Once again it’s been two months since my last post in January. That is mainly due to the fact that after I’d returned from London I got really ill and struggled with getting better over a period of almost three weeks. Turns out I had a middle ear infection, for which I then had to take antibiotics and all that jazz.
London was amazing. It was the first time I’ve ever been abroad entirely on my own and I really enjoyed it. I met a lot of people; saw, did, and experienced things I might not have had I travelled with a friend. As it’s a bit over a month now since I’ve been back, I’m not sure whether I will write an entire blog post dedicated to my trip but I might.
Regarding what I’ve been up to the past few weeks: I’ve enrolled in an MA course in Literary and Cultural Studies that started this March, so I’ve been attending classes even though I am not planning on completing the degree. I still got my eyes set on going abroad; this is mainly to bridge the gap between now and when I will be able to set sail. Other than that I’ve been applying to jobs and internships. We will see where all of that will lead.
In terms of what I’ve been planning on writing for this blog: I’ve said this before but I am hoping to finally write more on literature and books. That had always been the original intention behind this blog. Somehow I seem to have favoured blogging about other things over the years, there’d been a lot of motivational posts and updates on how I was dealing with anxiety and feeling down. These have been fairly therapeutic to write and share but I don’t want to exclusively concentrate on such kind of topics. I am working on writing for this blog more regularly, whether I’ll succeed in doing so we will find out soon enough.
This is it from me for now – hopefully, I’ll be back sooner than later!
P.S. I mentioned in my last post that I started a new blog focusing on politics and current affairs – if you want, you can check out my latest post.
Since my last post – written a bit over a month ago – quite a bit has changed/happened. Most importantly, my mood has been lifted since then and I am not as anxious or pessimistic about my future anymore.
At the beginning of this month I finally received my B.A. in English and American Studies. I still have no clue as to what exactly I will be doing next; right now I am trying to just take some time to figure everything out. Especially considering that I at times doubted that I would even graduate at all these past months, I am relieved more than anything ;) The pressure of getting everything done and not being able to keep to my writing schedule was really stressful, so I am thankful for this little break.
For the time being I’ve decided to work on my writing a bit more conscientiously and get my CV and other stuff I’ll need for applications in order. But before getting started with all of that, I’m going to take a vacation!! I’m flying to London, my favourite city, on Saturday and I’m already fairly excited :) Organising all there is to do was a bit tedious as I also caught a cold last week (it’s been between -6 to -10°C where I live…) but apart from that I’m psyched to go. I am planning on blogging a bit while I’m there, so there might be a little update on my London excursions soon enough!
Another thing I’d mentioned in my last post was that aside from the plans I had for this blog I was also toying with another idea. I’ve been wanting to start writing about politics and social issues for a while and as I want to focus more on literature, arts, film & TV on this blog (the odd random or personal post will definitely still pop up every now and then), I went ahead and created a new one to exclusively feature relating posts. My new blog was “launched” yesterday; so far only the introductory post is up but new posts are about to be uploaded soon. You can go check it out if you want: https://consciousthoughtbox.wordpress.com/
These past few months have been rather difficult for me. So much while at the same time so little has happened. I am unsure what my next steps will be which is thrilling but stressful.
I started this blog in October 2013. I was in my first semester at university and was absolutely excited about the next three years entertaining high hopes and aspirations. It’s weird to think that three years have passed already. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that my time at uni just flew me by. The opposite, in fact. It has at times even felt ‘dragged out’ and I thought it would never end. Now, as I am waiting for my very last grade and about to finish my degree, I’ve come to reflect on these past six semesters. Unfortunately, not much comes to mind. I do truly value my education and am grateful that I have had the opportunity to study at all but, if I am honest, it really has not been what I’d expected it would be those three years ago. What bothers me the most is that I seem to “have done so little”. I’m not entirely sure what I should have done differently. The whole experience, or maybe rather thinking about it, simply leaves me feeling empty.
I have indeed grown these past three years, found out things about me, became more self-aware and secure, more independent, more confident. Yet, I am still as clueless as to what I really want as I was then. Being almost done with uni obviously brings with it the typical questions as to what my plans for the future are. To be honest, there are none. No definite ones that is. I know that deep down I know what I want to do/can envision my next steps but I don’t feel ready to share all of that right now. I also think I should probably take my time to gather my thoughts and consider all my options. I’m definitely trying to make the next thing I take up be something I really care about.
2016 has truly been a weird year. I’d say my worst. Despite the fact that I am graduating from uni, I struggle to really celebrate this “achievement” and be enthusiastic. I’ve been feeling down for most of this year and actually considered dropping out as I figured I’d never be able to finish my papers. Though I obviously did in the end I still am exhausted by all the negativity that I’ve been carrying around with me. Also, not wanting to sound trite but all that “has been going on in the world lately” really had an impact on my mood and general outlook. Brexit, Trump, the amount of brutal police shootings in the U.S., many European countries’ lack of interest in taking actual measures regarding Syria (they prefer demonizing refugees instead) were amongst the main ‘current issues’ that really dampened my spirits. I know that there are people by far more affected by any of these mentioned developments and I have to say the cynical side of me was not surprised by them; however, we’ve reached such lows, it’s mind-boggling.
I guess you can tell by now that my expectations regarding what’s about to come are not particularly optimistic. I am looking forward to somewhat figuring out what I want to do next, though. I’ve got plans for this blog as well (to post more regularly first and foremost :P) and another idea that has been on my mind for some time, which I’ll reveal in the next few weeks.
Here I am again. I don’t know how many ‘blogging comebacks’ I’ve already had and quite frankly I wouldn’t want to know. I keep coming back to it though because I actually really love it. And once more I’ve told myself to be more driven and committed to my blog. Maybe I’ll keep it up this time, maybe I won’t. But for now the plan is to settle into some sort of routine and get back to posting more regularly.
Not much has happened since my last post. I’m in the midst of graduating from university – I finished my last semester in June and now I’m writing on my B.A. papers which isn’t exactly fun. Sometimes I wonder whether writing indeed is the career path I should pursue given that I do not enjoy writing papers for uni at all. As to what I want to do after graduation I have no clue whatsoever. I do have ideas of what I’d possibly like to do but still got a lot of figuring out to do.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to concentrating on blogging some more in the next few weeks. There are a lot of books I’ve recently read that I want to write about, maybe I’ll talk a bit more about what has happened with uni in the past months (*hint: lots of procrastination, one failed exam, many sleepless nights, demotivation, moments when I seriously considered dropping out*), or what my plans for the future are.
Lately I’ve been struggling with one thing – one question, really – which has kept me from blogging:
Why would anyone want to read what I’ve got to say?
I don’t live an exciting ever-changing life, I’m not some genius whiz kid nor am I overly artistic or talented. I have not seen outstanding things in the course of my life. So what am I actually doing?!
I love writing: personal diary-keeping, texting and writing letters/postcards, public writing like on here, and yes, sometimes stuff for Uni. This is what I eventually want to do with my life but I too often feel self-conscious about my writing chops and the relevance of what I’m writing about. But what exactly makes something worth sharing or publishing? And should one, in this case I, really base what to blog and post on what others would like to read? Shouldn’t it be the other way round: me feeling the urge to jot down my thoughts and throwing them out there? Readers’ reaction would be out of my control, anyway. On top of that, I am writing for myself. Sure, it’s nice to know people read (and maybe like) what I’m rambling about but at the end of the day I don’t want that to dictate how I will proceed with this blog.
Another thing that sometimes hinders me from writing perhaps more original posts is that I’m still worried about opening up. I’ve already blogged about this months ago but, apparently, I’ve not progressed since then. I know it would be easier to stop caring what others think of me but I do occasionally find myself hesitating before posting something: do I really want people to know about this? Though I do feel pretty comfortable in the blogging community and definitely got some bloggers I feel connected to whose posts I read and they do mine, I worry about people who actually know me in real life. What they’ll think. But I’ve made that decision to stop being so secretive about my blog a while ago and now I’ll just stick to it. Also, isn’t that essentially what writing’s all about: you’re expressing your thoughts and everybody’s finding out about it.
What I have now come to realize is that it’s necessary to really value one’s own voice to be a good writer. And that entails considering my thoughts and opinions worth sharing. And not caring whether others will judge, laugh, or disapprove. Obviously, I’m not going to be completely at ease doing so right away but I will work on myself as this blog is important to me.
Taking Sylvia Plath’s advice, I’ll try and not let self-doubt interfere with my writing.
The past few days I’ve been thinking about my blog and how it’s been going since I started writing again. While I may not have always kept my promise of posting once a week, I’m still quite happy with myself for continuing to blog.
One thing I realized, though, is that I rarely (ok, never) write anything on books and literature, which, apart from being one of my biggest passions, were among the reasons I even started this blog. The subheader says Literary Musings, after all… Therefore, I have decided to try and write more on books and literature starting this weekend. Having finished several good books recently (among them The Book Thief and Generation X) and about to tackle my huge pile of ‘to-be-read’ books, I’m positive I will come up with blog ideas quite easily.
I’ve been a bit distracted lately which is why I haven’t posted anything in a while. Today, I’ve also been feeling down but as I really wanted to get back into blogging I thought of sharing the music I’ve been listening to recently.
My two top songs are Hate by Cat Power and No Rest for the Wicked by Lykke Li.
Having coincidentally stumbled upon this song, I loved it right away. While the lyrics are very bleak (“I hate myself and want to die”) it was rather the melody and Cat’s voice that grabbed me. My favourite line is (1:21) “The heart wants to explode far away where nobody knows”.
A good friend of mine has once told me about this song and I remember liking it; however, I forgot about it again and only started listening to it (repeatedly) a few weeks ago. I can’t really put my finger on what exactly it is that makes me like this song so much, it just fits my current mood, I guess.
What I’ve noticed regarding the two songs as well is that both have strong openings (in my opinion at least) and that I’m instantly hooked as soon as either of them start playing contrary to some songs that need some time getting into.